A lot of you have asked, “When are you going to write again?” or “Have you been on any dates lately?”
Well for starters…”here I am” and “no.”
Well sorta no.
Instead of me apologizing for not writing and telling you that “life” has gotten in the way–let me tell you the truth.
Dating sucks. (It just does.)
Rejection blows. (Always.)
and Love hurts. (Sometimes.)
And after you’ve dated #487,532,691 (please note the exaggeration), and ‘he’ turns into douchebag #487,532,691…it’s depleting.
“It” is the dating.
“It” is finding said dude and talking with him on the phone for minutes/hours/days/weeks/months.
“It” is the first date, the first kiss, the second date and then the second kiss and so on.
“It” is the feeling in your stomach that makes you think, “maybe he’s the one.”
“It” is also the pit feeling in your stomach when you realize said dude is NOT the one.
And “It” is fucking exhausting.
So the time I take in between these blogs is me resting, is me taking notes and adding to the “what not to date” column, and is me putting my heart back together.
Thing is…if you’re a close friend or you just “know me” you know that my heart was broken in 2008. My ex stole a piece of me and shattered my heart into dozens of pieces and to be honest, I don’t even know where some of the shards landed. And as much as I keep saying “I’m okay” or “I’m ready to date again,” I’m lying. I’ve been lying. Lying to myself. And lying to the poor bastards who have been trying to date me.
Going back through all of my blogs… maybe it was me. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe I was the reason the date didn’t end well. Maybe I was the reason why there was no second date.
Maybe I was the reason MovieFaceMark jizzed in his pants at the movie.
Okay…maybe not. But what if I was the one who sabotaged all of it because I wasn’t ready?
When I buy an unplugged album, I buy it knowing that it won’t sound like the cool version on the radio that I sing to at the top of my lungs in the shower and in the car. I buy it knowing that I will hear the blood, sweat and tears that made up the album. I buy it knowing that if it’s a happy song, I’ll be able to tell that the artist had a smile on his or her face when they sang it. I’ll also know that if it’s a sad song, I’ll be able to hear the crack in their throat, before the tears even hit their cheeks.
LikeOmigod Unplugged is just that. In 2008 I gave my heart away to someone whom I thought loved me, and truth is…I never really got it back.
Experts say that you’re supposed to love yourself before anyone else can and they’re right. I don’t love myself. Not right now anyways. Right now…I’m a work in progress.
Most of you know that back in March I moved from Dallas to Houston. It was a quick decision and although my situation has put a kink in my social life, it’s the best decision I’ve made in my twenties.
My thirties are coming up in just a couple of weeks and I’ve made so many improvements on myself, my outlook and what I want. When I turn 30, I look forward to showing the world what I’ve accomplished, what I will accomplish and what I can accomplish in the future.
I’m looking forward to falling in love with myself again and opening my heart up to be able to love someone else. Until then, I just don’t care. I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t want to date, I don’t want to hurt. I just want to pick up the pieces and put them all back together.
Humpty Dumpty did it, why can’t I?
I’ve pretty much closed down all of my dating accounts – some of them I haven’t even visited because frankly, I forgot the password and don’t even want to spend the time trying to figure it out.
While I’ve clearly stated I don’t care to date anyone (at the moment), it hasn’t stopped guys from asking me out and/or guys being douchebags. It also hasn’t stopped the ridiculous emails that I get on a daily basis and the crazies that keep finding me.
But I’m keeping an open mind…because it’s true, “you just never know.”
And you don’t.
Check back soon for a recap of the “4.5 dates,” and the latest stories…”The Racist” and “The Human Trafficker.”