I hate explaining to people why I love music and why I listen to music.

This is the girl who grew up wanting to be a rhythm and blues singer. The girl who grew up performing in front of anyone who would listen. The girl who sang in the church choir, and took piano and voice lessons. The girl who sang Christmas carols with friends (because we harmonized so well) for fall festivals in my hometown. And the girl who hesitantly stood in line at the Dallas Cowboys Stadium for hours, to try out for American Idol (interesting experience, by the way).

I don’t sing in front of people now, unless I trust them fully.

But I hear it. I hear sounds. I hear instruments. If the artist is playing the piano…I know which keys they’re playing and can play the ‘air piano’ in sync. I can hum the next pitch/note after just hearing the intro. If I’ve heard the song before, I can start singing the next song that I heard after hearing that one. If I’ve heard the album, I can sing you the next song in the lineup. I hear the artist’s voice waver when the words are coming from the heart. I hear soul. I hear passion. If there’s a beat, I get excited if it makes me want to move or, if it makes me feel something.

I DON’T catch onto lyrics quickly. For the longest, I thought Ariana Grande was singing the word “farted” in the song “One Last Time”. I didn’t bother to look up the lyrics. Why? The song didn’t really “move me.” It was a pop song that came on the radio once in awhile.

It’s kind of the same with TV and movies. Even though I hear the words that are coming out of said actor’s mouth, I listen to tone, and I look at body language so that I can decipher emotions.

This is also probably why I did poorly in college when I took “lecture-like” classes. It was all words through one ear, and out the other. I had to see it. Visualize it…so I could store it in my photographic memory (yeah, I have one of those too, when I apply it).

When Mr. Big Hair and I would talk music…I’m pretty sure he was annoyed by this…with me not knowing lyrics to songs and what they meant. Especially since we liked the same music. I just liked music differently.

I know my favorite song lyrics. It’s how I ‘perform’ in my car.

I recently posted a ‘meme’ on my Instagram that said: “Driving by myself is so tiring because I have to be the lead singer, backup singer, dancers, hype man, etc.”

Yep, that’s me.

——————————–

My voice is my instrument. With music, and with words.

Words. Holy hell.

Sometimes my words can really work in my favor, and then other times, I swear I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut.

I hate admitting my faults…but if no one admits their fuck-ups, how do we grow?

I typically blame all of my writing on being a Gemini, but when I feel misunderstood, I write. Blogs, journal entries, emails, letters, lol…texts…you name it.

Even though I truly believe I should have been treated better by Mr. Big Hair–which also led me to reacting badly; I also did some not so awesome things that…well…I shouldn’t have, but it’s the apologizing that I kept on doing…through email…to him.

Just long, drawn out emails about why I’m the way I am. Apologizing for I don’t know what. Telling him my feelings even after we stopped talking. WTF! Last one sent 1/24/19. I know, I know.

Don’t worry friends, I already did a face palm for you. ;o)

——————————–

I have a couple of gals I meet with for dinner/girl talk/drinks, etc. And, I recently met up with them at one of my favorite Cuban restaurants in Houston this past weekend. They both asked me how I was, and if I was still dating ‘him’.

I said no, and said I wasn’t going to date anymore. That I was going to take a break and instead concentrate on two big important things instead: finding a new professional opportunity (which I have been putting off because I’m comfortable…read: not challenged), and get back in the gym (where I feel the most badass because of how strong I can be). “Besides…I still have feelings for him,” I said. “It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Keep dating…” they said. “Don’t miss out on an opportunity just because you’d probably be doing what all of these other guys are doing too (dating while getting over someone). Maybe you both will end up back together, but until that happens, don’t put your life on hold.”

So, I unfroze my accounts on Sunday morning and got back on.

I also posted on my Insta page: “You are magic. Don’t ever apologize for the fire in you.”

No more emails. No more apologizing.

——————————–

In the meantime…I’m trying to pick up a new skill.

I’ve been trying to pay attention to song lyrics and what people say more. Actively listening to words, and listening to what those words mean right then and there.

Because of the mood I’ve been in, I’ve obviously been relating to “breakup” type songs, breakup memes, etc.

*Don’t worry friends, I’ll get my spark back.*

And since I have so much time on my hands now (I could have cared less about TV when I was with him), I’ve been binge watching all of my favorite shows, and I can really relate to the last few minutes of Chicago Fire’s (Season 7, Episode 10) “Inside These Walls”. If you’re familiar with the show, two of the main ‘couple characters’ break up with each other. She’s the strong one though. She knows she can’t continue on with how things are going–she deserves better.

My reason for ending it with Mr. Big Hair was similar–I just didn’t have the guts to say it to his face. And that’s something I’ll always regret. I think that’s why I feel like things are unfinished between us. Maybe that’s the reason why I kept writing him, too? Who knows.

On another relatable note…Drake’s song “Jaded” and Khalid’s “This Way” are all songs that have really spoke to me. Their story told isn’t exactly ‘my story’, but a lot of the verses and the meanings behind the songs, are ALL MY FEELINGS.

I’m Drake in the sense. I feel like I was led on…led on to believe that ‘he was ready for something serious’. It wasn’t until months in (and real, true feelings had developed) that I finally realized ‘he’ wasn’t emotionally available and ready to commit to anything serious; or maybe he just didn’t want to commit to me.

In This Way, the song talks about how every relationship has its challenges and set-backs, but when there are dysfunctional times (Big Hair pushing me away because of life, and me responding immaturely), at least one person always ends up heartbroken. And that’s what happened.

My heart is on the mend.

If you’re like me and need a visual of lyrics: there’s always Google.

DLB

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