The Emoji Man

Alert: Longest. Blog. Ever.

Y’all…

I went on a date last night and did not have a great feeling about this guy before I met him…and that feeling lasted till the end of the date. O.M.G.!

I’m pretty sure if I went on a second date, I’d be locked up in a basement somewhere. I’ve never felt so “liked” before.

This dude was:

• needy,
• creepy,
• pushy, and
• special

Let’s break down the neediness.

I really wish there was a middle ground with communication. You either get the guy who doesn’t text or communicate at all…or the guy who communicates with you too much.

Emoji Man was the latter.

Case in point:

If you’re not familiar with Bumble, it’s a dating application that allows the woman to make the first move once a “match” has been made.

My typical response to every match is, “Hey there. How’s it going?” I have accidentally swiped right more times than I can count on my hands…so I’m sure guys do it too. I’m not going to spend the time writing a well thought out message to only be rejected. I need them to write back to see if they’re interested.

So…my message to him was “Hey there. How’s it going?” He wrote me back within a few minutes. Now typically…I’d say, “Yes! An attentive guy.” But then the messages kept coming. I’ll take you through our conversations.

Note: Pay attention to the dates, times and forms of communication…

Thurs., Nov. 16

02:45P – Me: Hey there. How’s it going? (Bumble App)

02:48P – Him: Hi (Bumble App)

02:50P – Him: I am great and ready for the weekend (Bumble App)

Sun., Nov. 19

06:34P – Me: Hey, Ray. Sorry for being MIA. I took a mini vacay and unplugged for the weekend. Not the best idea to be a Bumble user I guess. What did you do this weekend? (Bumble App)

06:40P – Him: Hi! (Bumble App)

07:39P – Me: Hey. (Bumble App)

Mon., Nov. 20

07:33A – Him: Hey (Bumble App)

07:59A – Him: What’s up beautiful? (Bumble App)

09:03A – Me: [smiley face] Thank you! Doing anything fun for Thanksgiving? (Bumble App)

09:27A – Him: I don’t [frowny face] (Bumble App)
09:29A – Him: How about you? (Bumble App)

10:22A – Him: May I have your number? I like to talk to you and know you. (Bumble App)

11:05A – Him: When can I meet you? (Bumble App)

03:40P – Me: I am headed out of town today, so maybe next week? (Bumble App)

05:03P – Me: I should warn you, I don’t always have my phone on me. My number is… (Bumble App)

05:05P – Him: Sounds good let me know (Bumble App)

Tues., Nov. 21
02:35P – Him: I’m sending you a txt message (Bumble App)

02:37P – Him: Hi Daphne (Text Message)

02:39P – Him: This is Ray (Text Message)

04:48P – Him: [smiley face] (Text Message)
05:13P – Him: I am going to Gym now (Text Message)

07:52P – Me: Hey Ray. Sorry. Been traveling most of the day, and then I left my phone in the hotel when we went to eat. How was your gym session? (Text Message)

(P.S. I was already getting needy vibes…so at this point…I lied. I didn’t leave until Thursday. Oops! #sorrynotsorry)

08:56P – Him: I am sorry I didn’t know (Text Message)

08:59P – Him: It was good (Text Message)

09:03P – Him: When will you come back to Houston? (Text Message)

09:18P – Me: Glad you had a good gym session. I’m looking forward to going back to the gym too. I will be coming back on Monday. (Text Message)

09:32P – Him: Ok. You are tall like me you should go to gym and keep your sexy body. [small smiley face] (Text Message)
10:23P – Him: I will you see you next week?!! [smiley face] (Text Message)

Wed., Nov. 22

10:17A – Me: Great! We can plan something next week. (Text Message)

12:39P – Him: Yes I like meet you [wink face, small smiley face, and bouquet of flowers emoji] (Text Message)

Thurs., Nov. 23

09:23A – Him: Good morning [small smiley face] (Text Message)
10:47A – Him: Happy Thanksgiving [plate/silverware emoji, fall leaf emoji, turkey emoji] (Text Message)
02:23P – Me: Thank you. You too. That’s so sweet of you to think of me. Enjoy the food today. (Text Message)

02:25P – Him: [pink heart emoji, bouquet of flowers emoji] (Text Message)

Sat., Nov. 25
07:33A – Him: Hi beautiful (Bumble App)
07:45A – Him: I know you have guest, but any time you interested to meet let me know [kissing emoji] (Bumble App)

08:47A – Him: [red heart emoji, red heart emoji, red heart emoji, red heart emoji, red heart emoji] (Bumble App)
09:10A – Him: Can I call you? (Text Message)

09:55A – Him: I like talk to you (Text Message)

11:15A – Me: Hey. I had some unexpected family come into town and they are staying with me until Wednesday. Could we talk then? Perhaps we can grab coffee later this week sometime. (Text Message)

(Technically I did have family come into town. My Dad was staying with me until Wednesday. But…seriously…I’m not going to miss out on the time with my Dad for said needy guy. Nope.)

12:12P – Him: Ok (Text Message)

04:32P – Him: [kissing emoji, kissing emoji  (Text Message)

Sun., Nov. 26
07:33A – Him: Good morning (Bumble App)

08:11A – Him: Hi (Text Message)

08:40A – Him: Do you like to meet me today? (Text Message)

09:03A – Him: Can I call you? (Text Message)

09:56A – Him: (Phone Call)
10:20A – Him: If you have time just 30 minutes meet me [kissing emoji] (Text Message)

12:23P – Him: I know your family is there, but if you go out to shop I like to see you if not we meet next weekend (Text Message)

02:53P – Me: Hey. I’m sorry…but in between work and my family being at home, I really won’t have time until Wed/Thurs to go out. Would you like to meet for coffee then? (Text Message)

04:05P – Him: What time? And where? (Bumble App)

04:30P – Him: You can’t talk now?!! [laughing/smiley face] (Text Message)

06:32P – Him: [smiley face] (Text Message)

Mon., Nov. 27
09:23A – Him: Hi (Bumble App)

10:46A – Him: You didn’t tell me what time and where? (Text Message)

11:59A – Me: Oh…I meant for Wed or Thurs. Where in town do you live? Maybe we can meet in the middle. (Text Message)

12:05P – Him: I am near NRG Stadium (Bumble App)

02:28P – Him: Hi (Text Message)

Wed., Nov. 29

08:53A – Him: Hey (Bumble App)

10:03A – Him: What’s up (Bumble App)

11:12A – Him: Good morning (Text Message)

12:05P – Him: Today is Wednesday (Text Message)

04:38P – Him: Can you talk now? (Text Message)
05:01P – Him: (Phone Call)

06:37P – Him: Where are you living? (Bumble App)

Thurs., Nov. 30

12:50P – Him: Hi (Bumble App)

01:23P – Him: What’s up? (Text Message)

03:23P – Him: Can you go out tonight? (Text Message)

04:16P – Me: Hey there. Still at work. Would you like to meet at Starbucks at Buffalo Speedway and Main/90 at 5:20p? (Text Message)

04:20P – Him: 9602 Main St., Houston, TX 77025 (Text Message)

04:28P – Him: Okay can you come early? (Text Message)

04:29P – Him: Like 5:10 (Text Message)

04:30P – Me: I get off at 5, it takes me 10 minutes just to get out of my parking garage (it really does), and just to get down Main in traffic takes as much time. If you need to be somewhere, we can reschedule. (Text Message)

04:31P – Him: No its ok, I wanna meet you tonight. After that make another date for weekend. [small smiley face] (Text Message)

04:33P – Him: See you at 5:20 (Text Message)

04:53P – Him: [kissing emoji] (Text Message)

05:17P – Me: On Main. Still not at Buffalo Speedway. Traffic is heavy. (Text Message)

05:20P – Him: Ok. I am here. [bouquet of roses emoji] (Text Message)

05:22P – Me: I’m here too, where are you? (Text Message)

CREEPY DATE

06:36P – Him: picture of himself in a car (Bumble App)
07:40P – Him: Hey (Text Message)

08:33P – Him: What’s up? (Bumble App)

09:21P – Him: Thank you for today. [boy with heart icon emoji and small smiley emoji] (Text Message)

Fri., Dec. 1

09:38A – Him: Good morning [sun emoji] (Bumble App)

11:38A – Him: How are you today? (Bumble App)

11:39A – Him: Good morning (Bumble App)
12:48P – Him: Are you free tomorrow night? (Text Message)

02:20P – Me: Hi, Ray. I just wanted to thank you for coffee last night. I really enjoyed meeting you last night, however, I didn’t feel a spark/connection. And, I don’t want to lead you on when the girl of your dreams is out there. I hope you’ll understand. (Text Message)

02:44P – Him: [kicked in the balls frowney face] (Text Message)

02:44P – Him: I am not understand why, can you tell me why not? (Text Message)

02:44P – Him: Give me a chance to talk to you (Text Message)

02:44P – Him: Meet me tomorrow night (Text Message)

02:45P – Him: After that if you don’t like me ok (Text Message)

02:45P – Him: I don’t understand. [kicked in the balls frowney face] (Text Message)

02:45P – Him: I like you and you are so polite and perfect (Text Message)

03:04P – Him: Can I meet you tomorrow night please [little praying boy emoji] (Text Message)
03:18P – Me: I’m sorry Ray. I just didn’t feel a connection, and I don’t think we would move past being just acquaintances. (Text Message)

04:49P – Him: Ok thank you [crying frowney face]  (Text Message)

Now…you might have just skimmed through all of that nonsense, and thought, “Daphne…why the fuck did you go out with him in the first place?”

Well…it’s because I’m trying to keep an open mind. I kid you not…my family, my friends, my neighbors…people I work with…ALL, have told me I need to be a bit more open-minded. I thought I was…but apparently not enough.

Plus…my super sweet friend (DVB), gave me a new perspective that I hadn’t thought of before. She said, “maybe he just got out of a relationship and that was something he did with his girlfriend, and he doesn’t realize that is something you just don’t do when you first meet someone.” So…I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Let’s dive into the creepiness.

• First of all…I’m pretty sure his name was not Ray…but that’s another story, for another day.
• He never asked me about myself. Not my likes, my hobbies, etc. He talked about himself. But he was uber eager to know interesting, random things.
• He asked me several times if I wanted sit in his car. He told me it was so he could hear me better; but asking me five times (even after we moved around twice), was weird. And him tugging at me [trying to hold onto my elbow and walk me in the direction] to sit in his car was not cool either.
• He was very, VERY touchy.
  • When we met, he put his hand on the small of my back and leaned in for a hug. I was okay with this. First date awkwardness…sure.
  • While we were sitting down. He got very close. Like…in my own personal space square, close. Like, leaning in a little too close and touching my hair, too close. Yep…he “caressed” my hair.
  • There was a time when he rearranged his legs (so that his were on the outside of mine), and then squeezed my legs together with his. WTF!
  • He asked me multiple times if he could hold my hand while sitting. Um, no?! But, I did once…and they were super cold. Yek!
  • And then I was petted. Yep. Petted. Like a mother effin’ dog.
  • And then he rubbed my effin’ knee.

Should I throw in an emoji so you can see my face right now?

• • As he was telling me about my “sexy body” he extended his hand next to my side, and made the hour glass figure with his hands.
    • If he had said “your sexy body” more than the 4 times he already did, I might have punched him in the face.
• If there was any silence, he would also just stare at me and smile.
  • He would also wink with those smiles…
• I swear he talked about the gym more than CrossFitters do, and I wasn’t sure if he was talking about just going, getting dressed, and then walking right back out…or if he actually really lifts, bro!
• He goes to Zumba. Not a deal breaker…as I like to shake my ass too. Just never heard a guy admit to it before.
• He kept asking me where I lived. If I lived in a house or an apartment. I said house, but immediately regretted it.
  • Him: “Do you have furniture? What is your house like? How many bedrooms do you have? Do you have pets? Do you live by yourself? I really want to come to your house. I really want to see your house. I bet it’s nice. Can I come to your house? Do you like rice and veggies? On our second date, I can come to your house and bring my food and my special tea and you can drink my special tea.”
    1. My neighbor would probably already not like him, as he is not trying to feed me meat.
    2. Why the fuck do I need to drink your special tea?
    3. What the FUCK is “special tea?”
       • I totally asked him about it. He mumbled a bunch of stuff and said it was special to him and that it makes him feel good. Um?!
         • Yeah…probably to drug me with it, and then murder me in my own house!!!!

So let’s talk pushiness.

The following was real live commentary straight from his mouth.

“You are really busy. You need to make time for me for our second date. I deserve a second date since you kept me waiting so long.” [He smiles super big] “Tell me if I can come to your house tomorrow (Friday).” [I already told him I had plans tonight.] “Or we can meet Saturday and Sunday. We can watch a movie or play a game. I want to hold your hands and hug you. You’re so perfect. But just tell me when you are free, so I can be free with you.”

If you know me well, you know I wear my emotions on my face. This includes rolling my eyes when annoyed, looking shocked AF when something weird happens, and/or looking pissed when someone ticks me off. To improve my reactions, I’ve accepted coaching and I’m taking classes.

After sitting there an hour and a half, all doe eyed and smiley (like some fucked up shit hadn’t gone down), I told him I didn’t want to keep him from the gym, so I suggested we leave.

To end the date, he very gentlemanly-like walked me to my car. It was sweet, but the damage had been done. Let’s discuss the special-ness that happened before he let me get into my car.

1. “Now don’t forget. I’m going to bring food to your house for the second date. We can go to to a restaurant, but your place would be better.”
2. “You’re going to call me tomorrow to let me know if you’re free tomorrow (Fri. night) or the next night (Sat. night). Hopefully tomorrow (Friday).”
3. “Make time for me.” [grabs my hands and brings them up to his mouth]
4. Goes in for the kiss, but he gets the side cheek.
5. Tries to kiss me again, but gets neck instead.
6. Squeezes my shoulder and side hugs me.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

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