This blog post is about to go deep + longest blog ever. Maybe. Possibly. Most certainly.
For years, I’ve kept this blog light and funny, talking about all of the disastrous dates I’ve been on…with a few good ones thrown in between. But that’s about to change, and it’s because I was hiding all of my true feelings under laughs and funnies. But…dating someone, befriending someone, opening up to someone, trusting someone, loving someone…there’s nothing funny about that. It’s work. And sometimes you fail at work, and sometimes you succeed. After all, things don’t come perfect, they get there.
I recently just failed at trying to make something “work”, but it was by far, the best failure I’ve endured, because it was a lesson I needed.
Mr. Big Hair brought out feelings that I haven’t felt in a long time—feelings I didn’t even know I was capable of anymore. Any walls that I had created to keep love and feelings out were destroyed by meeting him.
I read a quote the other day that really spoke volumes:
“Isn’t it a beautiful thing how we find people who can make us feel so happy, even at the times when we don’t believe in happiness at all.”
I was there. 2018 had been a shit storm. I was unhappy (about life/work stuff) and still broken by my past.
Broken by the WRONG men. Broken by friends and acquaintances. Broken by experiences. I didn’t believe in happiness anymore and was afraid I would never achieve it. Through life’s pain, I had shaped myself into the woman who didn’t trust anyone, and hid her fears and thoughts. I also didn’t allow myself the time to heal from everything.
I was also truly scared to develop feelings for someone else, because no matter how good things were in the past, it was as if every time I’d get attached, everything just went wrong. Every. Single. Time.
But meeting him was worth every single moment, even in our final days of not speaking. Our beginning and our end, was a great lesson and a great reminder.
He taught me that not everyone I meet will hurt me. That not everyone will destroy me. He showed me that I shouldn’t base my future on the past, or let the past distort my future. I also learned that we are ALL broken to some degree. It’s how you handle what life throws at you.
Mr. Big Hair and I met on Bumble. It’s a dating app where women make the first move. You swipe left (nope) and swipe right (yep) on whomever you find ‘appealing’. If you both swipe right, then you match. And, then it’s up to the woman (Jesus, seriously?) to make the first move.
At the time that I got back on Bumble (I took a lot of breaks from 2017 to Oct. 2018), he was one of the very few matches that had written words in his profile—something that I admire. He said he was a science nerd, that he liked living with a positive attitude, and that he was 5’8”. Not much to go on, but he had THE deepest dimples ever, and I asked him what made him a “science nerd.” I was nervous about the 5’8”, but I also had told myself that I needed to reach beyond my comfort zone. And, I did. He wrote back I think that night or the next morning, and from there, we shared what seemed like a bajillion questions and answers to get to know our preliminary selves. And, then he asked me for my phone number.
Mr. Big Hair and I shared text message after text message and hours-long phone conversations. He would text me every single morning and throughout the day and the evening—and I loved that! My love languages are affirmation and affection, and he was on point with the affirmations. His cuddle game was strong, but y’all don’t need to know those details. I enjoyed him. I looked forward to talking with him each day. Hell, I really liked looking at him, and when we did finally meet, I enjoyed being around him, and I WANTED to be around him. I liked him. A lot-A lot.
We just met at the wrong time. And I didn’t realize we weren’t looking for the same thing until later on.
I was on Bumble to: “date, build a relationship, with the potential of getting married one day.” And, he was on Bumble with “no expectations, dealing with life, and moving on from a recent 9-year relationship.” I was essentially pushing him into what I was looking for, not knowing he wasn’t there.
Caveat: had I known sooner, about the relationship with his ex and how it ended and when it ended, I wouldn’t have even tried to start something with him…but I still don’t regret it. I still, to this day, do not regret meeting him.
The most important lesson I learned from Mr. Big Hair, was to always trust my gut. My intuition has always been spot on, except, I never listen and second guess the crap out of myself, leading to disasters and most of the time, being heartbroken. No more!
Our first six weeks were bliss. At least it was for me. Lots of time together. Lots of affection. Lots of fun. I am a very private person…so my friends and family can tell you how many dates/boyfriends (guys who I’ve been really interested in), they’ve met and/or heard about; and that number is slim to none. I found myself liking him so much, I told my friends AND some of my family about him. In fact, I wanted him to meet my family and my friends, because of the potential I saw in us.
And then things kind of fell apart in month two. When I say he was dealing with life—he was dealing with life dumping all kinds of things on him all at once. But because of how he was dealing with those things, I could see our ‘relationship’ already falling apart. I chose to look away though because I second-guessed my intuition. And, what’s worse? I left my dignity on the table at one point and found myself begging for his attention. WTFH? No one should ever lose themselves for attention.
I feel like we just ended up becoming one big miscommunication. And now, ‘we’ have since dissipated. Which is truly sad, but okay. I sometimes wonder, if we had met at a different time and wanted the same thing, what badassness we could have accomplished together.
We stopped talking over the holiday and the silence has been deafening. Even though our last conversation ended with us both saying there was potential in the future, I know in my heart I need to let him go so that he can do his thing, and I can do my thing.
The silence is an answer too.
I recently read that, “you can’t force yourself to stop liking someone, but you can tell yourself that you deserve better and try to move on.” And, that’s what I’m trying to do. I’ve been much more active—hiking (Cullinan Park), working out—I didn’t realize how much I missed the gym. I also have been partaking in little adventures with friends, and staying home to work on things around my house. Spring cleaning!
“Look for someone who is a better fit for you and makes times to see you” they said. “They” shall not be named, so, I have since gotten back on Bumble and started up an account on Tinder, and I swear to you, my dating game is not strong. I can’t keep up with the messages. I also still think about him, so that’s a problem.
I think about calling him and asking him about his day. I think of him when I see things on the Internets. Sometimes I just want to text him stupid jokes. What’s worse is that I swear I see more 34-year-olds [with his name] on the Bumble app than I ever did before; and I swear if I see another bright blue FJ driving around…[his vehicle].
But, for real…I’m really trying to move on. Not forget, but to move on. If there really is potential…we will circle back to each other. For now, I want someone who isn’t just interested in me temporarily, but who is interested in being my forever.
The moral of this story (or the lesson learned) is that no one is easy to date. Everyone has their insecurities, flaws and certain ways of doing things that make us who we are. A relationship will only last as long as you are working for it. If one person stops working, it falls apart.
Just FYI…I’m still in search of getting to know someone, date them, and get into a relationship with the potential for marriage. After all, I deserve it. I will just continue to let people see the weird, mystical, flawed, magical, quirky, and dope soul that I am.