I see London, I see France

I don’t even know where to begin. My dating life is just the same as it’s always been, you know, since the last time I wrote.

1)      Crazy
2)      Full of weirdos
3)      Funny stories to keep all of YOU entertained
4)      and ONLY first date qualifiers.

I swear I’m only 2.5 dates away from becoming a nun. A gay nun.

Sigh.

Can I just say that writing about 4.5 dates is hard work? I’ve been working on this post for about a week and a half now and frankly, the finished product would take you an entire day to finish.

We all know I’m Wordy Wanda. I kid you not, if I published “Thith Thucks” right now, you’d be reading a very lengthy document equivalent to 12 pages of Word.

But thanks to my amazingly smart friend Jamie, she suggested I break up the stories, allowing you my friends, time to breathe in between dates.

So, let’s get this party started. Let me give you a short run down of what will be published tonight, tomorrow, Thursday and Friday.

Blog: I see London, I see France
Date #1: Grant – The Weed Smoker
Highlight of the Date: getting to see the Dallas Stars practice, and getting free tickets with AWESOME seats, for two games!!!

Blog: The Backseat of My Car
Date #2: Robbie – The Douche Muffin
Highlight of the Date: when I told him we should just be friends after he kissed me.

Blog: I’m a Boss
Date #3: Nick – The Non Conversationalist
Highlight of the Date: beating him 2 out of 3 at bowling.

Blog: Thith Thucks
Date #4: Dusty – The Dumbass
Highlight of the Date: when his drunkenness stupor and lisp collided together in conversation.

Blog: The Government’s Calling
Date #0.5: Ron – Jersey Shore
Highlight of the Date: watching him flip hair when he said he had once been a hair dresser in NY.

[I wish you all could see my non-excited face.] 

 

GRANT
We met on: POF
Best quality: his red locks

So Grant messaged me first and was excited that I was such a big hockey fan. Who doesn’t like hockey? Anyways, he chatted me up, we had a lot in common, and a date was made. Besides, I was intrigued by his red hair and red beard. 🙂 Ooh la la!

Our first date? A Dallas Stars practice session with the chance at getting free tickets. I was all about that. Lord knows I can’t afford Dallas Stars tickets in this economy!

So the day of…it’s a Saturday and it’s pouring outside. I mean, the sky is dark, the thunder clouds are rolling in, the lightning is lighting up the sky, the rain is coming down like ocean waves pounding a jetty—I could hardly see through my windshield. All of a sudden, I get a phone call from him saying that he’s running a little late, that he had been pulled over on 75 for speeding.

My thoughts? “Sweet. [They’re] finally sticking it to someone else for a change.”

I said no problem and told him to take his time. There was no point in him rushing. By the time I got there, hardly anyone was there, and I was able to jump in line several (actually 5) times and get multiple tickets…which by the way, worked out great for a girl’s night I had later on the next week.

When he DID get there… that’s when the real fun started.

1)      He was shorter than me. His profile said he was 6′. WTF-ever. He was a short 5’11”. I had to slouch next to him to feel comfortable.

2)      He was sweating bullets. It would have been fine if we were playing a game of tennis, but the AAC was ridiculously cold, and I know I don’t make men THAT nervous. Turns out he had like 5 shirt layers on. WTF?

3)      When we sat down…he was all sorts of awkward. I’d be paying attention to the practice and out of the corner of my eye I’d see him staring at me. When I’d look over…he’d quickly turn his head like he hadn’t been looking at me in the first place.

Weirdo.

4)      He wasn’t talkative in person. We were plenty talkative on the phone, but on that day, the only questions he could muster up were “What’s your favorite color?” and “What’s your favorite season?” Seriously dude? Then out of nowhere, he asked me what my deal breakers were when dating someone.

Uh….

I’ve honestly never really thought about “a” deal breaker at the start of dating someone, but I said that if a guy ever cheated on me, his ass would be gone. I had already been there and done that. Haven’t we all?

Him: “Cool.”

So then he starts asking me other questions…questions like: where I grew up, what I do for fun, what kind of music I like—all questions he already had the answer to being that it was clearly in my profile. And then he threw out the question, “what are three things not many people know about you.”

What? Three things not many people know about me? Holy shiznit…he actually put some thought into this.

I replied with my answers and then asked him the same. To which he replied, “Are you sure you want to know that much about me?”

[Silence]

And it was then my date became weird.

Him: “Most people don’t know that I smoke weed. I actually smoke a lot. Like five times a day.”

[Silence]

Him: “Have you ever smoked?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Would you be willing to try it?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Are you okay with someone who does smoke?”
Me: “Hey…whatever makes you happy!”

Here was this young, professional guy who worked for a well-known and prestigious organization in the City of McKinney and here he was smoking weed five times a day. Classy.

I sat there staring ahead. This date was a done deal. Finito. Finished. Over. And he knew it.

Once we both knew the date was over, we started talking like we had been buddies for life. We were talking about our favorite places in DFW, our favorite restaurants, etc. We even reminisced about our first ever concerts and our last. He was huge into punk rock and when I told him I liked Rage Against the Machine, he went nuts. He told me he was such a big fan that he had posters of them in his bedroom, had traveled to different cities for their concerts and even had a matching undershirt and underpants set to match.

Yeah. I know. I couldn’t believe it either. I told him I didn’t believe him and so he showed me.

Yep.

He stood up, unzipped his pants and showed me his underwear.

His Rage Against the Machine underwear.

Yep. He even stripped his 5-layers to show me his undershirt too.

Do you hear that? The birds tweeting in the silence? I do.

Maybe the highlight of the date was that although I saw his package, at least I didn’t see red pubes???

Ah…and just for the record…three things you probably didn’t know about me:

1)      I once climbed the Sam Houston statue in Huntsville, TX, along I-45.
2)      I once sang the national anthem with two other girls at an Astro’s game.
3)      I didn’t get my first kiss until the age of 17.

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