I am no longer in my sad phase [the-why-me-I-just-want-to-be-alone-now-and-never-date-again-pity-party-phase].
I am no longer:
- Sad that Big Hair and I are no more,
- Sad that I failed at trying to make a go at a relationship,
- Sad that I might have done something wrong,
- Sad because I still have/had feelings for him, and
- [insert whatever else I’ve been feeling lately], etc.
I’m in my “MFer, you broke my heart” phase.
I good friend, checking up on me (thank you, you know who you are), asked me how I was doing recently, and when I said that I still couldn’t shake my feelings for Big Hair, asked me what I would do if I saw him again.
Point blank, I told her I wouldn’t want to.
At least not the guy he turned into towards the end. If he magically turned back into the unicorn that he was when we first started dating; then maybe.
I totally deserved to be treated better, whether I did stuff wrong or not.
If I was doing stuff wrong or stuff he didn’t like, he should have communicated that.
I didn’t deserve to be shut out, or feel like I was in the wrong all the time. I shouldn’t have had to beg or even ask to spend time with him. All of my sincere gestures were for nothing. And, I shouldn’t have felt like I COULDN’T talk to him face-to-face, because “he just wanted to be alone.” That shit leads to emails and letters. And, let’s face it: my time.
Frankly, I’m pissed.
I’m also pissed off that I allowed him to treat me not-so-great towards the end for so long. AND that I stuck around for that. WTF was I thinking?
I’m a fuckin’ good catch, and I deserve the world and then some.
For anyone out there needing a daily reminder that “you are enough” and that “you deserve the world” especially on the day before Valentine’s Day…here is one site that I came across today that has really put everything I’ve been feeling lately, into perspective. It has definitely helped me get to the phase that I should have been at, all along.
I have this heart decal that I hung up on my garage door. My Mom tells me I should decorate for seasons more. Ha! Who has time for that?
However, every single day for the past few weeks, when I leave the house, I say to myself that there is love in this house. One day, I will meet someone who wants my love. Who wants the love I have to give.