it’s been a minute

Hell-lo! It’s been a minute I know.

But I’m back. I’m back after a month-long break. A month-long break of figuring out what I want, who I want, who I want to be and what I’m looking for. I decided in that month to forget about everyone in my past; men that is. Whether they were an asshole ex boyfriend, a crappy guy who just happened to float in and out of my life or the friend from high school, college or 2009 on down. If they really want to be a part of my life…they would let me know. Until then…hopefully this new year will prove to be a little more…um prosperous.

I didn’t make any resolutions for 2010. Instead I told myself on New Years Eve that I was going to start taking better care of myself. I didn’t want it to become a resolution that I would just break mid-year and say, “well at least I tried.” Instead…”taking better care of myself” is something that I should have done along time ago. That meant (to me) that I was going to: give myself facials, pay the extra money for a massage, dress up more and be confident, make new friends, try to be more outgoing, enjoy life, be a better daughter, a better friend, a niece and cousin, be healthy, stop talking to assholes : ), stop letting people into my life who don’t have my best interests at heart, and so forth.

Recently, I took a week-long trip to Houston to visit my family and well, to figure out what is wrong still wrong with me medically. None of the six specialists seem to be able to figure out why I puff up like a hillshire sausage link on steroids. Thankfully though, my swolleness DID go down and I was finally able to see that I do, in fact, have bones in my ankles and feet.

Anyways…while I was in the sticks visiting them, I also had the chance to check my mail on their DIAL UP! Omigod! And while I was home, in the sticks, on dial-up, waiting 45 minutes for all of these dating Web site pages to load, I thought to myself, “why the hell am I waiting 45 minutes to read stupid statements?”

Um…stupid statements like “the gym is one of my favorite places to be” or “I don’t really have a lot of time to meet people, so I thought I’d get on this site” or “I’m kind of weary about this online dating thing, but here it goes.”

Really? The ones below are my favorites. Please feel free to add to the kettle.

#1) “My favorite place is the gym”
First off. What the hell is wrong with you? I think that men who say this are ridiculous. I mean…if it were up to me, I’d rather read a book, watch some tv, catch up on some sleep, hang with friends or shop of all things (and i’m not really a fan). There is a difference between loving the gym and wanting to look and feel good. People who would rather go to the gym than be around people or doing something fun are the Arnold Schwartz-a-however-you-spell-his-name ‘pomp sohm eye-on’ types. Or better coined: Meat Heads. I personally go to the gym to workout because I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle, not because it’s the next best thing to singing kumbaya around a campfire.

While I like to look sexy and feel healthy…trust me…I’d rather be enjoying a margarita on a patio somewhere with one of my best friends. I mean…who would pick smelling sweat, wiping sweat [off of machines], or getting sweat-ty OVER a Saints game, or a beer with the fellas, or talking up a hot girl at a bar. Fabio and Arnold ARE NOT cute. 

#2) “The main reason I am on this site is my job–seeing how I work overseas/12-hour days/work a lot/don’t get out much, etc, so it’s hard to meet people.”
I LOVE when I read that a guy’s buddy suggested the site to him since he works 80-hour weeks and never gets out. Online dating sites are places for singles (or whatever you are) to meet and possibly connect online. Then…after so many messages or phone calls or texts…one usually initiates meeting in person. So in order to “date online”…one should have some time to “date” actual person. If you really work that much and are looking for a relationship…the only person you’re going to impress is yourself. Women want to be noticed, talked to, feel like they’ll get to see the guy they’re dating at least a few times a month. If you don’t have time for love…then get off the site.

#3) “My ideal first date is either drinks at a bar or a game of tennis or a really good run.”
Ladies…let me ask you this one. Would you rather make your first impression to a guy (you might actually want to make babies with) on the first date having drinks (while you’re looking all cute and put together) or playing a game of tennis (when you’re starting to sweat in areas you wish you didn’t, and possibly stink like sweat)? I want an [honest] answer.

About three years ago, I met this guy named Chris on one of the dating sites. He seemed like an intelligent fella. Degreed, nice looking, age-appropriate, etc. That is until he wanted to meet me. I suggested Mexican food and margaritas. He wanted a tennis match. Are you serious? So I agreed and played tennis. And it was the most horrible sporting-event date I’ve ever been on. Not only did he show up with holes in his t-shirts and shorts, but HE sweated in areas that he probably wished he wouldn’t; AND he was horrible at tennis after telling me that he played in a league and that he was pretty good. He couldn’t even get his balls over the net (pun intended) and managed to tell me how he thought I should be serving. While I am no tennis pro and will certainly admit when I could use the help, he was NOT doing it for me.

And then there’s the run. Who the hell runs on a first date?

While this isn’t a first date experience, it kind of reminds me of one of my friend’s dates/boyfriends (whatever he was at the time). They were new to the dating game (like quite a few dates dates or maybe even a month or so, but still new like i-know-you-i-like-you-but-i-don’t-know-you-that-well-to-run-with-you-in-a-friggin’-5k-where-i-might-drop-dead-from-exhaustion-and-embarrass-myself-in-front-of-you kind of way); anyways he kept persuading her that she run a 5k with him. When she wouldn’t do it, the connection between them ended. Uh no.

#4) “If you’re a gold digger, look elsewhere.” (Yet in the profile, it states that he drives a (so and so); and he lives in (so and so neighborhood); near (so and so) [most throw out Uptown or Turlecreek]; and enjoys uptown bars and includes pictures of himself at Ghostbar [his most favorite hot spot]).
Just go ahead and advertise that you have a lot of money why don’t you! So I always feel just a little bad when I ask what kind of job a guy has. It’s not because I want to know how much money he makes or what he does per say…it’s that I want to know that he has ambition and that he DOES have a job and doesn’t just sit on his ass all day. When I ask a guy about his car…it’s not because I’m getting ready to judge him on what he drives or by how much money he makes…it’s because I’m a car fan and appreciate a “good” car and therefore want to connect on the car-level. I know there are women out there who care about what type of car a man drives or how much money the man makes…but when you put in your profile that you don’t want a Golddigger, yet you post that you drive a Mercedes and you shop at Armani and you only buy drinks and go to the Ghostbar for fun…it doesn’t necessarily ring out “I’m a laid back or low maintenance dude.” You might as well go and put your profile and picture up on WealthyMen.com or SugarDaddie.com or IWantToDateAManWithMoney.com or ScrewMeOverAndTakeMyMoney.com or I’mADumbass.com.

#5) “Traveling is my passion. You must love traveling too.”
This sentence is just dumb on all levels. Who doesn’t love to travel? Who doesn’t love room service? Who doesn’t like to wake up in a room that will be cleaned up after them? Who doesn’t like staying at a hotel with free breakfast or a free happy hour or a hotel that turns down your covers or gives you free brownies/cookies when checking in? Who doesn’t like getting to see beautiful destinations? Of course people like to travel. Duh!

#6) “I hate describing myself and think I do a horrible job at it, but here goes nothing.”
Most of these comments are from the fools that are older and/or put in their income that they make $100 grand or more. Dude…how did you get that job? You talked about yourself. You sold yourself so you could get said awesome-paying job. You told your boss about your likes, your dislikes, what you can do for the company, what you’re about. If you can get that awesome-paying job, you can surely tell about yourself in 4000 characters or less on a dating site. And you didn’t lie about your skills to your now-paying-your-high-salary-boss so don’t try to friggin’ lie on your profile either. What’s worse is when a guy states that he does a horrible job at talking about himself…yet he’s in sales and marketing. Really? You get paid to be creative. If you’re not…then give me your job!

#7) I’m kind of weary of sites like these.”
I’m bothered by this statement. So many people seem to have a problem with online dating stating that it’s unsafe or that there are more crazy people. While “the best of Craigslist” section gives this statement a run for its money, online dating is NOT really that bad.

Let’s try an example.

Let’s pretend I go to the Ghostbar. I’m there drinking and shakin’ what my momma gave me and droppin’ it like it’s hot and shakin’ my tail feather and having a good time. Or we could pretend that I’m at the grocery store. Let’s say I’m checking out the melons and admiring the nuts. Or maybe I’m the cute but nerdy girl at the J-O-B. Anyways…at some point, some guy walks up and wants my number. He gives me the whole “I-like-you-you’re-gorgeous-i-secretly-want-to-do-you-but-i’ll-get-to-know-you-first look” AND because he doesn’t look like a crazy, I give my number to him.

Now pretend we’re on POF…I am perusing profiles and find a guy I’d like to talk to. He then says my pictures are capitvating. We send a few emails back and forth and because he doesn’t sound like a crazy, I give him my phone number. Sound familiar?

Three months later, the guy from the bar/grocery store/J-O-B turns into a psycho-asshole and is a stalker. Three months later…the guy from POF could easily be the same. Or, three months later, the guy from the bar/grocery store/J-O-B could turn into Mr. Right [Now], and guess what…so could the guy from online. What this means is you never know what someone is going to turn out like. Therefore…you must go on many dates to find that out.

I don’t really see the difference in online dating to meeting someone at the grocery store or church or work, or wherever you go and meet people. Frankly, I think online dating is just another way for singles [who don’t go to church, cook for themselves, enjoy the bar scene, or date their coworkers], to find love. Why is that such a bad thing?

#8) “I’m tired of meeting girls at the bar.”
This is another good one. While getting out every now and then to hang with friends and have a beer is a must, I think this statement is so dumb. Everyone who finds themselves dating [online], has already-been-there-done-that with the bar scene. So why take up space in your profile and say that you’re not looking for someone at the bar scene. Neither are the other 17,999,999 million other singles on here. We all know that meeting someone at the bar leads to a typical sex-induced relationship. Clearly, people want more out of relationships…hence the reason is it called dating and then relationships.

#9) “I’m not really looking for anything right now. I would just like to meet someone I can hang out with and have fun with.”
This is a comment I really find humoring. We all know that most sites charge you to find love/meet/email members. With this said…let’s look into the costs of each major [paying] online dating site.

True.com: is $50 for one month; $80 for three months; and $130 for six months*
Yahoo! Personals: is $30 for one month; $60 for three months; and $95 for six months*
Match.com: is $35 for one month; $60 for three months; and $102 for six months*
eHarmony: is $60 for one month; $120 for three months; $180 for six months; and $240 for 12 months*
Chemistry.com: is $50 for one month; $100 for three months; $160 for six months; and $250 for 12 months*
*Apparently after you become a member, you can’t find the rates anywhere on the Web sites that you joined…so I quoted this site. If I’m off on numbers, please feel free to correct me. BTW…I rounded up on prices*

Anyways…my point to #9 is MOST of these sites are friggin’ expensive. Why the hell are you NOT looking for love on a dating Web site? And yet you’re paying for it? Money DOES NOT grow on trees. You might think, “oh I bet the people that say this are not on paying sites” but they are. And I talk with them all the time. It baffles me why people would say such nonsense and then contradict themselves in the biggest way. Dumb Dumb!

#10) “[After he finishes describing himself] Some say that I’m cocky, but I’m just confident.”
Red Flag. Chances are that if you say you’re not cocky, but confident, you’re lying and you’re really just a douche. Seriously people.

I’m sure there are others…but look at it this way…LikeOmigod is back and I am writing in full force! Look for some really good stories soon! : )

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